I’ve been feeling pretty damn sorry for myself lately. I’m not saying I didn’t deserve a little wallowing-in-self-pity. A lot of stuff has been pretty shitty for the last half-year or so. But I have some wonderful, awesome and amazing girlfriends who have propped me up with love and support and kind words, and it’s time for me to start looking outside myself again. Expand my energies upwards and outwards. Time to turn over a new leaf.
It is my 45th birthday. I think that’s an appropriate time to think about fresh starts, new beginnings, opening doors and closing chapters. I have removed a lot of the obstacles I blamed for holding me back. Like a bad marriage to a good man, and a lack of education. Now, I have no one to blame but myself if I remain unhappy, unhealthy, overweight and unfulfilled. I better put my money where my mouth is.
Several weeks ago, (okay, it’s been more like two months…), I said I was going to shut up and listen to the Universe for guidance. I was “awaiting further instructions”. I was on the verge of a real mental breakdown. Too much stress for too long a time, a lot of it self-wrought. I have a very good habit of seeing mishaps coming down the road, and taking steps to avert them. I have a very BAD habit of second-guessing myself and thinking, “Well, but then if I do that, then THIS will happen” and completely changing my mind. So I create much of my own stress by trying to be perfect and create perfection, and I become paralyzed with indecision. One of the things I “heard” while listening to the Universe, is that nothing will ever be perfect. Shit is going to happen. So make a decision, choose a path and stick with it. Whatever mishaps occur I’ll just have to deal with them as they come. I cannot avoid every possible mistake or bad decision. Perserverence means pushing through those mistakes and carrying on. I’m not superwoman. I don’t have to be perfect.
Another of the very first things I “heard while listening”, was the Voice from the Universe asking me about leaving my marriage, “Are you sure? Is this really what you want?”. I thought back at Him, “Yes, of course it’s what I really want! How can You even ask me that?” (He does, after all, know what’s in our hearts, right?). The Voice thought back, “Then let go of the guilt”. This one is difficult, and it will take more work. More tears. More prayer. More contemplative solitude. More mourning.
Another thing I “heard”, this time while listening to Eric Clapton’s version of “Tore Down”, was a very deep homesickness for Indianapolis, for home, for making and playing music, for playing in a band, and for the girl I used to be. It’s too early to tell, I don’t want to make any more life-changing decisions while I’m still awhirl from the changes going on NOW, but maybe I’m supposed to go back to Indy. Maybe not. I don’t know. Maybe it’s just a desire for something familiar, since I’m in such UN-familiar territory right now. But it was definitely a pull. I longed to be sitting in my favorite bar in the world, The Slippery Noodle Inn, listening to live blues, yacking with my homegirls who I miss terribly. I miss real Autumn weather, too. There’s something about the smell of Autumn, the smell of decaying leaves, of fertile rain-soaked soil, of fireplaces, mown grass... There’s nothing like it here in Phoenix, that’s for sure. All I smell here is dust and pollution and dry dead things. We’ll see. For now I’ve got a killer job here, and I’ve started school here, so I’ll stick it out a little longer.
I also “heard”, because someone pointed it out to me, that I can’t let myself relax. Going back a couple paragraphs to the worrying about every damn thing - I also keep everything that I’m worrying about active in the front of my mind because I’m afraid I’m going to forget something. I try to be hyper-vigilant. I must control everything. I cannot drop the ball. If I leave work on Friday afternoon, and there’s something that I need to do first thing Monday morning, I will worry about it the entire weekend. I will keep it as an active thought in the front of my head until I can put that thought back down when I get to work Monday. I can’t allow myself to put something on the “back burner”, so to speak, because I’m terrified if I take my eye off the ball, I’m going to lose control of it. So I worry, actively thinking about everything I’m worried about, all the time, everyday, 24-7. At any given time, I can be worrying about getting my laundry done, getting payroll done at work, finding the money to get my dogs groomed, remembering to buy that birthday card and get it in the mail, remembering to buy stamps too, how to deal with the cricket infestation in my backyard, needing to get invoicing done, hoping none of my neighbors realize my garage door opener is broken and the garage door is not locked and anyone can come and rip me off, worrying about my dogs being bored being locked up for 9 hours a day while I’m at work, worrying about that nagging little pain in my chest, and it just goes on and on and on…and all these thoughts are ACTIVE in the front of my mind, jostling for prominence. It’s crazy-making! So, the new leaf here is “Letting go and Letting God”. I can only do what I can do. I just need to set my priorities, do what I can do, and The Universe will take care of the rest. If I drop the ball, someone else will pick it up, and so it is meant to be.
I’m learning if I clear my mind of all this clutter, I’ve made room for new intuitions. If I quiet my mind, I can hear The Voice. I’ve freed myself from being stuck, spinning my rear wheels in the mud, and I can get traction on moving forward. There’s peace and joy in letting go, being messy and imperfect!
So...some people are suggesting this is all just a Mid-Life Crisis. Why is that a bad thing? I’ve seen other people call it a Mid-Life Re-evaluation. I’m going to adopt that attitude. Crises can bring about change. It’s an opportunity for growth, for change for the better. If I choose this time to learn from the past, learn from listening to The Voice, take care of self FIRST and the rest second, I can move forward. The writing on the underside of that freshly turned leaf reads: “Peace, Love and Harmony…in Mind, Body and Spirit”. I’m going to mark the occasion of the opening of the second, better, wiser half of my life with a tattoo: “Constance 2.0”.
4 months ago