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Friday, October 2, 2009

Letterman, You GO Boyeeee!

Watching the early evening news yesterday, there was a late-breaking news flash that David Letterman would be revealing to his audience that he had been blackmailed for having sex with employees. I was heartbroken. I’m not star-struck by any stretch of the imagination, I hold most celebutards in very low regard. In other words, fame don’t impress me much. But I am a rabid and unshakable Letterman fan, and have been since back in the day in Indy. Leno’s just not funny, Carson’s dead, and I’m too old to stay up for Fallon. Letterman is, and always will be the one for me. He always jokes about his looks, but that man has the sexiest brain I’ve ever seen! His intelligence is stark-raving sexy. I also always admired his private handling of his private life. I admired that he wasn’t one who was chasing the camera. I adore him for not taking himself too seriously, and his sly ability to let us know that we, in fact, should. His comic timing, impeccable delivery, razor sharp wit – all good. Needless to say, I was heartbroken to think that someone whom I so admired was going to be revealed to be just so mundane and ordinary. I decided I had to stay up late to see what he had to say before I had my opinion influenced by media or acquaintance.

I am SO glad I did.

I thought he handled the whole thing with perfect, self-effacing aplomb, and just the right note of “Why is this a big deal? So I had sex!”. Perfectly pre-empting a huge, ridiculous scandal by taking control of the situation and telling his own business first. The man had sex with female staffers. It’s not like he kidnapped a 15 year old and kept her in an underground bunker for 20 years. He had relations with women. Why is that creepy? He was never even married until this year!

Of course the media HAS to find a way to spin this ugly. The first thing I’m reading is people are shocked that the audience was laughing. Well of COURSE they were, he was being funny! They stopped laughing at just the appropriate moment, when HE got serious. Instead of coming out there and quivering and crying like Jimmy Swaggart, he came out and said “so what”. I noticed he made no apologies for his actions. Personally, I believe none is required. And I am hard-core feminist all the way, baby. But that feminism allows room for empowering women to have the sex they want to have, as much as being outraged over women being forced to have sex they DON'T want to have!

I haven’t read anything today that indicates Letterman forced women to have sex with him in order to garner promotions or other work-related favor. It seems more like consentual sex between grown adults. Ergo, not creepy. Even if it was a quickie in a closet –Hello? HOT, not creepy! (Notice it wasn’t any of the women doing the blackmailing)

Look, folks, we re-elected Bill Clinton after he blew the whoremonica, for chrissakes. Let’s not turn Dave into a pariah. Unless evidence is revealed that David engaged in anything other than just bein’ a playa, I remain a fan.

Saturday, September 12, 2009

Still Don't Feel Like a College Student, I Feel Like a Third-grader!

Eeeek. Had my first Math class today. (late start in semester). I'm back in 3rd grade all over again. Just the WORD "division" makes me sweaty, and not in a good way. In my entire adult life, I have NEVER referred to any number as a “quotient”, a “divisor” or a “dividend”. YUUUUUUUUCK!

I clearly remember grade school, when we got to multiplication tables. It was the very first time I wasn’t the star pupil. The first time I ever struggled in school. I remember being so confused and surprised that I couldn’t memorize this stuff! I actually had to go sit in the back of the class by myself until I could memorize it, and I was so embarrassed. I felt very alone, and left behind. I did manage to learn the 1-2-3-4-5’s, those were easy and logical. I also managed to learn the 9’s because of a trick the teacher taught us. The 10-11-12’s were also easy to memorize. But to this day, with a gun to my head, I cannot multiply by 6, 7, or 8 in my head. Complete block. Couldn’t memorize the table, and I can’t visualize the math in my head like I can the others.

But if multiplication was the beginning of my difficulty, division was the absolute end of me. Long division on paper makes me crazy. I try to concentrate, but my mind just slips off of it like bare feet off a slippery river rock. I just cannot grab hold of it. It’s like trying to hold jello that’s not quite set yet. Today’s math homework involved long division, and I was instantly transported back in time to my 10-year-old self. My attention wandering, sitting slumped in my little chair at my little desk in my bedroom. Staring at my Barbie dolls which I’d much rather be playing with, fiddling with my radio, tapping my pencil, just lost. I was right there again. 35 years later. Except now the Barbie dolls are replaced by my dogs, and the radio is Facebook on my computer.

I hate math. Hate it, hate it, hate it, and the bitter irony of my life is that I’m a bookkeeper for a living. Go figure. (pun intended). But I’m aware of my limitations when it comes to math, and at work I triple-check my numbers – with a calculator! Hello?!!?!. Besides, bookkeeping is about “minding the money”, not just adding random numbers for no reason. And I llllove money, so I’m like a dog with a bone and I reconcile the accounts to the penny. But I have computer programs to do the math. I don’t have to do it all in my head!!

See, Mom. I told you so. When I said I’m never going to have to use this stuff after I get out of school, I was right! Gimme a calculator, and I’m your girl. If I gotta do it in my head, I might as well go to the unemployment office right now.

Saturday, August 29, 2009

Ok Leaf, Time for You to Turn Over.

I’ve been feeling pretty damn sorry for myself lately. I’m not saying I didn’t deserve a little wallowing-in-self-pity. A lot of stuff has been pretty shitty for the last half-year or so. But I have some wonderful, awesome and amazing girlfriends who have propped me up with love and support and kind words, and it’s time for me to start looking outside myself again. Expand my energies upwards and outwards. Time to turn over a new leaf.

It is my 45th birthday. I think that’s an appropriate time to think about fresh starts, new beginnings, opening doors and closing chapters. I have removed a lot of the obstacles I blamed for holding me back. Like a bad marriage to a good man, and a lack of education. Now, I have no one to blame but myself if I remain unhappy, unhealthy, overweight and unfulfilled. I better put my money where my mouth is.

Several weeks ago, (okay, it’s been more like two months…), I said I was going to shut up and listen to the Universe for guidance. I was “awaiting further instructions”. I was on the verge of a real mental breakdown. Too much stress for too long a time, a lot of it self-wrought. I have a very good habit of seeing mishaps coming down the road, and taking steps to avert them. I have a very BAD habit of second-guessing myself and thinking, “Well, but then if I do that, then THIS will happen” and completely changing my mind. So I create much of my own stress by trying to be perfect and create perfection, and I become paralyzed with indecision. One of the things I “heard” while listening to the Universe, is that nothing will ever be perfect. Shit is going to happen. So make a decision, choose a path and stick with it. Whatever mishaps occur I’ll just have to deal with them as they come. I cannot avoid every possible mistake or bad decision. Perserverence means pushing through those mistakes and carrying on. I’m not superwoman. I don’t have to be perfect.

Another of the very first things I “heard while listening”, was the Voice from the Universe asking me about leaving my marriage, “Are you sure? Is this really what you want?”. I thought back at Him, “Yes, of course it’s what I really want! How can You even ask me that?” (He does, after all, know what’s in our hearts, right?). The Voice thought back, “Then let go of the guilt”. This one is difficult, and it will take more work. More tears. More prayer. More contemplative solitude. More mourning.

Another thing I “heard”, this time while listening to Eric Clapton’s version of “Tore Down”, was a very deep homesickness for Indianapolis, for home, for making and playing music, for playing in a band, and for the girl I used to be. It’s too early to tell, I don’t want to make any more life-changing decisions while I’m still awhirl from the changes going on NOW, but maybe I’m supposed to go back to Indy. Maybe not. I don’t know. Maybe it’s just a desire for something familiar, since I’m in such UN-familiar territory right now. But it was definitely a pull. I longed to be sitting in my favorite bar in the world, The Slippery Noodle Inn, listening to live blues, yacking with my homegirls who I miss terribly. I miss real Autumn weather, too. There’s something about the smell of Autumn, the smell of decaying leaves, of fertile rain-soaked soil, of fireplaces, mown grass... There’s nothing like it here in Phoenix, that’s for sure. All I smell here is dust and pollution and dry dead things. We’ll see. For now I’ve got a killer job here, and I’ve started school here, so I’ll stick it out a little longer.

I also “heard”, because someone pointed it out to me, that I can’t let myself relax. Going back a couple paragraphs to the worrying about every damn thing - I also keep everything that I’m worrying about active in the front of my mind because I’m afraid I’m going to forget something. I try to be hyper-vigilant. I must control everything. I cannot drop the ball. If I leave work on Friday afternoon, and there’s something that I need to do first thing Monday morning, I will worry about it the entire weekend. I will keep it as an active thought in the front of my head until I can put that thought back down when I get to work Monday. I can’t allow myself to put something on the “back burner”, so to speak, because I’m terrified if I take my eye off the ball, I’m going to lose control of it. So I worry, actively thinking about everything I’m worried about, all the time, everyday, 24-7. At any given time, I can be worrying about getting my laundry done, getting payroll done at work, finding the money to get my dogs groomed, remembering to buy that birthday card and get it in the mail, remembering to buy stamps too, how to deal with the cricket infestation in my backyard, needing to get invoicing done, hoping none of my neighbors realize my garage door opener is broken and the garage door is not locked and anyone can come and rip me off, worrying about my dogs being bored being locked up for 9 hours a day while I’m at work, worrying about that nagging little pain in my chest, and it just goes on and on and on…and all these thoughts are ACTIVE in the front of my mind, jostling for prominence. It’s crazy-making! So, the new leaf here is “Letting go and Letting God”. I can only do what I can do. I just need to set my priorities, do what I can do, and The Universe will take care of the rest. If I drop the ball, someone else will pick it up, and so it is meant to be.

I’m learning if I clear my mind of all this clutter, I’ve made room for new intuitions. If I quiet my mind, I can hear The Voice. I’ve freed myself from being stuck, spinning my rear wheels in the mud, and I can get traction on moving forward. There’s peace and joy in letting go, being messy and imperfect!

So...some people are suggesting this is all just a Mid-Life Crisis. Why is that a bad thing? I’ve seen other people call it a Mid-Life Re-evaluation. I’m going to adopt that attitude. Crises can bring about change. It’s an opportunity for growth, for change for the better. If I choose this time to learn from the past, learn from listening to The Voice, take care of self FIRST and the rest second, I can move forward. The writing on the underside of that freshly turned leaf reads: “Peace, Love and Harmony…in Mind, Body and Spirit”. I’m going to mark the occasion of the opening of the second, better, wiser half of my life with a tattoo: “Constance 2.0”.