Hmm. Turns Out God's Stronger than I Thought.

I have been fighting and fighting to exert my will over my own life, and the universe just keeps pushing me back. These last few months it’s been shocking how many things have gone wrong, how many of my plans get turned upside down. Every path blocked, every idea shot down, every obstacle pretty durn near to the edge of my ability to scale it. Relentless disappointment, mean-spirited people saying mean-spirited things to me, every plan I’ve made in the last two months has been changed or abandoned due to circumstances I can’t control. But I’m tenacious. (You might call it stubborn.) I don’t back down easily. I don’t cave in without a damn good fight.

I won’t go into a litany of things that have gone wrong, but I will tell you tonight was the last straw. The very last thing that was working right – stopped.

And while I sat waiting for the tow truck, I was nearly in shock. I could not believe the car died. Right there in the middle of the road. The one thing I could count on: my trusty Nissan Minivan. We were idling at the light, and it just…died. Quit. Wouldn’t start up again. No reason. No reason other than to fuck with my head. I just turned inward and asked “Why? WHAT is the universe trying to tell me? Why am I being blocked at every turn? Why is every plan being stripped away, and every support kicked out from under me?” I cursed the universe for being so Goddamn un-yielding, for pushing and pushing, and cock-blocking me at every turn.

And when I said to myself it IS too strong, I CAN’T fight, I finally got it! I finally understood. God WANTS me to stop moving, stop thinking, stop planning, stop struggling, stop fighting to exert my will, and just shut-up and LISTEN.

And an awesome thing happened. The moment, I mean the very moment, I thought to myself, “Ok, that’s it. I’m going to stop everything for 7 days. I’m going to just go with the flow. I’m not going to think, or stress, or plan, or control, or want. I’m going to stop and listen.” I felt a relaxing in my head. I can’t explain it, but I literally FELT the tension drain from my face, from my jaw. I felt a smile coming on. I felt like a vise was being loosened from around my chest.

So in effect, I did throw up my hands and give up, just like I wished for in my last post. I have reached that point where I just don’t know what to do next. I can’t do it anymore. I opted out of the nervous breakdown, though, and decided instead to “Let go and Let God”. Just to see what happens. Obviously He was working very hard to get my attention. So I’m listening. It likely won’t be anything earth-shattering. Probably won’t even make sense to anyone but me.

It’s like I’m being told to “await further instructions”. So I’ll wait. 7 days.