My brain seized up like the engine in my old Ford Escort that I forgot to change the oil in for two years...

I'm in line at the grocery checkout. I have an uncanny, and unerring, ability to choose the slowest checkout line in any store. Tonight's no exception. I have 2 more stops to make on my way home from work. I'm tired, grouchy, and I can't figure out why I've been so gassy all day, but I'm bloated like a rotting corpse that's been lying in the sun for three days. I couldn't feel fatter if... well, if I WAS fatter. OF COURSE, the grocery store bathroom is unavailable because it's being cleaned. ...sigh... someone just kill me, please. Just one bullet. That's all I need.

So, my eyes wander over the candy bars, over the gum, over to the magazines...and I see THIS magazine...I instantly lust after that gorgeous pile of chocolate comfort in the cover photo, and just as instantly feel incredible guilt for not being able to control that lust. While the hate-myself thoughts are still forming in my head, I see the title of an article inside the magazine, "WALK OFF 15 LBS! EASY FAT-BLASTING PLAN" rightfreakingnext to the brownie photo!! what?!

I fell to the floor in a seizure. I was twitchin' and flailin' all over the floor at checkout aisle three, while the two halves of my brain tried to process these simultaneous and opposite assaults on my psyche. My brain seized up like the engine in my old Ford Escort that I forgot to change the oil in for two years.

Is it any wonder so many women are crazed prozacaholics? The temptations, the self-recriminations, the mixed messages. "Mmm, indulge yourself, you're worthy." versus "Don't get fat, or you'll be unworthy!"

Did anyone at Family Circle even look at this cover before it went to press? There can't be any women on staff there, because no woman could possibly be responsible for this kind of twisted, insidious misogyny. Shame on you, Family Circle. Next time, please try to pick one message for your cover. Either diet and fitness OR scrumptous food. Not both. I'm too young to have a stroke.