Hmm. Turns Out God's Stronger than I Thought.

I have been fighting and fighting to exert my will over my own life, and the universe just keeps pushing me back. These last few months it’s been shocking how many things have gone wrong, how many of my plans get turned upside down. Every path blocked, every idea shot down, every obstacle pretty durn near to the edge of my ability to scale it. Relentless disappointment, mean-spirited people saying mean-spirited things to me, every plan I’ve made in the last two months has been changed or abandoned due to circumstances I can’t control. But I’m tenacious. (You might call it stubborn.) I don’t back down easily. I don’t cave in without a damn good fight.

I won’t go into a litany of things that have gone wrong, but I will tell you tonight was the last straw. The very last thing that was working right – stopped.

And while I sat waiting for the tow truck, I was nearly in shock. I could not believe the car died. Right there in the middle of the road. The one thing I could count on: my trusty Nissan Minivan. We were idling at the light, and it just…died. Quit. Wouldn’t start up again. No reason. No reason other than to fuck with my head. I just turned inward and asked “Why? WHAT is the universe trying to tell me? Why am I being blocked at every turn? Why is every plan being stripped away, and every support kicked out from under me?” I cursed the universe for being so Goddamn un-yielding, for pushing and pushing, and cock-blocking me at every turn.

And when I said to myself it IS too strong, I CAN’T fight, I finally got it! I finally understood. God WANTS me to stop moving, stop thinking, stop planning, stop struggling, stop fighting to exert my will, and just shut-up and LISTEN.

And an awesome thing happened. The moment, I mean the very moment, I thought to myself, “Ok, that’s it. I’m going to stop everything for 7 days. I’m going to just go with the flow. I’m not going to think, or stress, or plan, or control, or want. I’m going to stop and listen.” I felt a relaxing in my head. I can’t explain it, but I literally FELT the tension drain from my face, from my jaw. I felt a smile coming on. I felt like a vise was being loosened from around my chest.

So in effect, I did throw up my hands and give up, just like I wished for in my last post. I have reached that point where I just don’t know what to do next. I can’t do it anymore. I opted out of the nervous breakdown, though, and decided instead to “Let go and Let God”. Just to see what happens. Obviously He was working very hard to get my attention. So I’m listening. It likely won’t be anything earth-shattering. Probably won’t even make sense to anyone but me.

It’s like I’m being told to “await further instructions”. So I’ll wait. 7 days.

Crazy: Weighing the Pros and Cons of the Modern Nervous Breakdown.

(I originally posted this last Monday, the 15th of June, and then got up in the middle of the night to delete it because I thought it was just a little too close to the red zone on the crazy meter. But I'm going to post it now, because it's gotten just soooo much worse since then!!) Here goes:

Wouldn't it be a delicious relief to calmly lie down on the floor, in the middle of a crowded room, and just give up? Just say, "I can't do it anymore. I'm NOT doing it anymore. Someone else needs to steer the ship, because I......(pause for effect).....am heading straight for the iceberg." Perhaps, just to drive home the point extra convincingly, I could do this while wearing a pair of giant, white Mickey Mouse gloves...and nothing else.

What divine peace awaits on the other side of the crazy barrier?

Think about it! How luxurious it would be to throw up one's hands, and relinquish all responsibility. Lying in a hospital bed, curled into a comfy fetal postion, watching TV. No more worrying about all the things everyone else needs from me. Don’t have to worry about paying bills, or trying to make a living, don’t have to worry about my dogs, or losing 100 lbs, or health insurance, or what my hair looks like, or how to get rid of the ants and crickets in the back yard, or maintaining the one car we have, or how I'm going to get my father-in-law to his doctor appointment without pissing off my boss. Hell - there'd be no more worrying about pleasing my boss at all! Maybe if I just go stark, raving, apeshit, face-twitching crazy - he'll see one person can't do 3 people's jobs.

No more decisions. No more feeling guilty because no matter how much I do, there's twice as much NOT done. No more taking care of anything, or anyone, the state would have to take care of ME! No trying to figure out what to fix for dinner that will please everyone in my super-picky family. No need to decide what to make MYSELF for dinner - nurses would bring me food! And the dishes would be magically whisked away, ELSEWHERE, to be washed.

I wouldn’t even have to get up to use the bathroom...they've invented BEDPANS! YEAH!!!!

I would be deliciously medicated and numb. Cruising Stonerville all day long. Modern medicine has given us a cornucopia of mind-erasing drugs. Maybe if I'm crazy enough, they'll double my dosage. The twitching and drooling would slowly ease, to be replaced by tranquility, a vacant stare and a vapid smile. You would think I'm looking at you, but I'm really asleep with my eyes open. I wouldn't even know you're there, let alone care.

Ahh, blissfull, worry-free, breakdown-induced craziness. I would have all the troubles, drama and responsibilities of a vegetable.

The downside? I'd BE a vegetable.

That's a big downside.

So I suppose, if this were an actual conversation with someone, this is where they'd say, "That which doesn't kill us serves to make us stronger", or, "God doesn't give us a heavier load than we can bear". That IS a load. Of crap. Sometimes I need to be the not-so-strong one.

Yeah, yeah, I know...yadda, yadda, yadda, I am woman, hear me roar. Just please listen carefully, and know the difference between a roar of triumph, and a wail of despair.

The 3rd, 4th and 5th Unexpected Surprising Things About Divorce.

The 3rd unexpected surprising thing about divorce is too intimate to put out into the universe, so I shall skip lightly over it to the 4th unexpected surprising thing about divorce; which is that no one is reacting the way I thought they would.

In fact, every last person is reacting exactly the opposite of how I imagined, including myself.

His family, who I imagined would hate me, or at the very least be angry with me, has unconditionally included me in their support. They're kind to me right alongside comforting him. Yes, when they look at me, there are questions in their eyes-but also compassion and care. I'm humbled by their love for me.

I expected my own parents, who are both seasoned veterans of divorce, would have rather a "C'est la vie" reponse to the news. You know, "Ah-you'll get over it and move on". My mother cried and my father got choked up. My mother even offered "help" should I need it. And my mom doesn't give up money without a DAMN.GOOD.REASON. My father quickly asked if I'd be moving back to Indiana. Didn't know he missed me that much!

And then there's he and me. I expected him to be shattered. Yes, he is hurting, but he is far from shattered. Within two hours of the decision, he was already looking to his future. Asking division-of-property type questions. Picturing his life without an "us", and starting to think about shaping his future. I expected myself to be relieved, and to escape unscathed emotionally. But I'm mourning much worse than I thought I would be. Deeply.

I also expected I'd have to beat feet outta here because he'd be emotionally hijacking me and trying to guilt me into staying. Again, not so. I thought it might be too much to hope for that we'd be able to work together to make sure this goes as smoothly as possible, that neither of us would be financially screwed when we're done. But that's exactly how it's turning out. I truly did not expect that. I never even considered the possibility. I take it as a sign from the universe - his not being as devastated as I thought he would be, and totally willing for us to work together - that this must be the right decision.

But it's not like we have anything to fight about, anyway. No children, one good car, one piece of shit car, and three dogs. Oh, and there's that 3 1/2 years left on the Chapter 13 bankruptcy due to my failed attempt at starting a business...and I've already taken ownership of that. That was my bad. So, why NOT be amicable about the whole thing? What's to fight over?

Needless to say, I'm very surprised at how completely I misjudged everyone's reactions, not the least of which being my own.

And the 5th unexpected surprising thing about divorce is a physical reaction I'm having. I am ravenously hungry. Once the initial shocked nausea abated, I've become hungry. My brain perceives a whole in my middle, an empty space, and must be trying to fill it with food. I'm craving milk. (That must mean something sub-consciously, but I'm too tired to try to figure it out.) Milk, and other very wholesome foods. I'm not after chocolate or ice cream, it's strange but I want salad and veggies and rice and chicken. Wholesome, hearty, healthy food.

Good LORD I'm a wack job. I'm sure I'm going to get wackier before I get better.