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Tuesday, December 30, 2008

HAPPY New Year. I MEAN it!

I don't know about you, but my head is tired. Tired to freakin' death, of all the DEATH! Not to mention the destruction, war, disharmony and just plain bad news. I'm so sad from all the sadness. I don't want to hear about anymore men dressed as Santa killing 9 people on Christmas Eve. Here in Phoenix, the same thing happened the next day, on Christmas Day actual, the same way, but it probably didn't make the news where you live because the bastard only killed one person. The ex-wife. When are men going to stop killing us? Can't you just get on with your lives, and let us live ours? There is life after divorce, you know. Grow a spine, for chrissakes!

I'm a little scared of the bombing of the Gaza Strip. The bomb-ees are not going to take that lightly. Nothing good's gonna come of this. I'm tired of worrying about my job, my husband's job, my employer's future. Tired of worrying about money, and the economy. Tired of sorry f****rs like Madoff who are so cavalier about stealing 50 BILLION dollars! How can someone so smart not know that Ponzi schemes ALWAYS get found out, because they ALWAYS run out of steam?Did he really think that could just go on forever? And it was so sad to hear of Mr. de la Villehuchet who felt so hopeless about losing his client's money to Madoff, that he chose suicide. How utterly sad and awful for his family and friends.

I'm tired of Blagoyevich. How does one GROW an ego that huge?! How can he be so stupidstupidSTUPID to think he'd not get caught, especially after he KNEW he was being investigated. I just don't get it. And double damn you, Blago, for casting a shadow of doubt on my new president before he's even had a chance to tarnish his OWN name.

And I am so sad about, and tired of, the meaningless, money-sucking black hole that has become Christmas. I miss the magic. I miss the quiet, reverent awe of the day. The stillness and calm that fills the soul. I miss being 8 years old. I wish I could look God square in the eye, and say "I'm sorry we've mucked it all up so badly".

You know, I was planning to lead off this post with a few ramblings about the state of the world, and then finish off with something funny I had in mind. But as I write, I'm getting farther and farther away from funny. I surely don't want to diminish anyone's troubles by ending with some flip comment.

So instead of funny, I'm going to go out with hopeful. I hope for you, and for me, and everyone in the world, that goodness can find it's way back to the surface in 2009. I hope all the anger in the world can be toned down a bit with rational thinking. I hope all the hatred can be erased with love, or tolerance at the very least. In 2009, I hope your wallets get fat, your families stay healthy, your future looks promising and your dreams remain whole. I hope the universe can generally just dial the bad news back a notch.

So seriously. HAPPY New Year! I mean it!

Monday, December 15, 2008

My brain seized up like the engine in my old Ford Escort that I forgot to change the oil in for two years...


I'm in line at the grocery checkout. I have an uncanny, and unerring, ability to choose the slowest checkout line in any store. Tonight's no exception. I have 2 more stops to make on my way home from work. I'm tired, grouchy, and I can't figure out why I've been so gassy all day, but I'm bloated like a rotting corpse that's been lying in the sun for three days. I couldn't feel fatter if... well, if I WAS fatter. OF COURSE, the grocery store bathroom is unavailable because it's being cleaned. ...sigh... someone just kill me, please. Just one bullet. That's all I need.


So, my eyes wander over the candy bars, over the gum, over to the magazines...and I see THIS magazine...I instantly lust after that gorgeous pile of chocolate comfort in the cover photo, and just as instantly feel incredible guilt for not being able to control that lust. While the hate-myself thoughts are still forming in my head, I see the title of an article inside the magazine, "WALK OFF 15 LBS! EASY FAT-BLASTING PLAN" rightfreakingnext to the brownie photo!! what?!

I fell to the floor in a seizure. I was twitchin' and flailin' all over the floor at checkout aisle three, while the two halves of my brain tried to process these simultaneous and opposite assaults on my psyche. My brain seized up like the engine in my old Ford Escort that I forgot to change the oil in for two years.
Is it any wonder so many women are crazed prozacaholics? The temptations, the self-recriminations, the mixed messages. "Mmm, indulge yourself, you're worthy." versus "Don't get fat, or you'll be unworthy!"
Did anyone at Family Circle even look at this cover before it went to press? There can't be any women on staff there, because no woman could possibly be responsible for this kind of twisted, insidious misogyny. Shame on you, Family Circle. Next time, please try to pick one message for your cover. Either diet and fitness OR scrumptous food. Not both. I'm too young to have a stroke.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

WTF! I've discovered a new whole new law of physics!

How come is it, that I can get 3/4 tank of dollar-fitty gas, or I can get 3/4 tank of FOUR-fitty gas, but the the four-fitty gas burns up twice as quick as the dollar-fitty gas? WTF!

I mean, I can get gas on my way to work Monday morning for $4.5o/gallon, and by Thursday night, (Friday is payday) I am PRAYing I have enough gas to get home from work, and get to the gas station the next morning. But I can get the exact same amount of $1.50 gas on Monday morning, and I can cruise around town all week long, and STILL have gas by the weekend? What the F is THAT? Some new and horrible law of physics?

And I have noticed this phenomenon more now that the price is going DOWN, than I did when it was going up. SO not cool.

But what really torques me off is this; now that the price IS going down, it seems the oil companies CAN make a living off of $40 a barrel after all. So tell me how - HOW - does the price get jacked up to $145 a barrel? I'm suuuure the cost of production has not fluctuated so wildly as to warrant these fluctuations in price. And if they're willing to accept $40, SOMEbody should really answer why the price got so high? What forces in the market, which people in positions to benefit, manipulated the situation so easily?

Ashton Kutcher was on Bill Maher late last season, and the Big 3 bailout was being discussed. While Ashton doesn't usually contribute much in the way of valuable content to the conversation when he's on, he did say one thing that I thought was GENIUS! He suggested the oil companies ought to fund a bailout of the automakers. Sheer brilliance! The oil companies made more money yesterday than God made in his whole life...they wouldn't even notice $25 billion. Hell, they could quadruple that, and it would be a drop in the bucket.

Getting the oil companies to bail out Detroit is a perfect solution. They're butt-buddies anyway, they work in colusion all the time. I would bet my ass, (which is a considerable bet, by the way), that one of the reasons the price is so low now, is because the Big 3 went begging to Big Oil in hopes that people would start buying the gas-guzzlers again, and they could unload some of that costly inventory. Unfortunately for them, I think Americans have finally wised up. Even with these low gas prices, people have not regained an appetite for big-ass cars, and we haven't resumed driving as many miles. We're just waiting for the other shoe to drop. We know gas won't be this cheap for very long. We won't get fooled again. At least I hope not.